The Death Of Dan Howell
by xxsophiexx95
Summary: 'Here lies Dan Howell, 1991-2015. Loving son, fiance and friend' Their life was so perfect, it's strange how one accident can effect so many lives. Especially Louise's. She thought Dan was gone forever since he passed away, so why can she see him in her dreams like she's re-living the past? The more she dreams, the more she gets to see the man she loves- the man she lost.
1. Chapter 1

'Here lies Dan Howell, 1991-2015. Loving son, fiance and friend'

I stared at the tombstone blankly. How did this happen? Well, I knew how this happened but I didn't want to admit it was real, I didn't want to say goodbye. I had to. I was at his funeral, my fiance's.

It was like it was only yesterday when I saw his beautiful face, everyone says that I bet. Now I'm one of those people who knows how it feels. I didn't want to know, I'd do anything to have him back.

My fiance died. Dan died. His funeral was today, right now. I told myself I wouldn't cry but i was just kidding myself, I couldn't stop myself crying on a normal day, let alone this sad one. Well, all my days are sad now, since he's been gone.

I couldn't speak inside the church, his family said a few words and so did Phil. I just sat down blankly, when they called me up I couldn't speak, I couldn't move. I didn't want to accept the fact he was gone, forever.

I doubt this dark, empty feeling inside of me will ever go. When he died, he took apart of me with him. I say it was my heart since I can't feel anymore. Well that's a lie, all I can feel is sadness, regret, anger...Mostly just sadness.

I turned my eyes to the dull black coffin, which he lay in. I could picture his still, limp pale body just lying there peacefully. Him looking so angelic and perfect...But dead.

It's funny how I could just imagine him opening his eyes, smiling and sitting up. I wish he did, then told me it was all a sick joke. I wish he'd tell me that he was coming back. I wish he would hold me in his arms and never let go.

That wouldn't happen though. The only way I would see him is if I was dead. I'd see him on the other side, I was thinking about it. The pains becoming unbearable and it's only been a week. One week since his death.

My eyes sting, partly because of the lack of sleep I've been getting and because of all the crying. I don't think I've had one day without crying.

I never knew there could be this much emotional pain due to one thing. I knew we would die eventually, just not so soon. It wasn't supposed to be this way, we was supposed to get married and have kids, have a life together.

I looked at Dan's mum, she was crying into her husbands shoulder. She couldn't look at the coffin, she couldn't see her baby being lowered down into the ground. I was the opposite. I couldn't take my eyes off the coffin. I felt a lump in my throat as I was just about to speak. I had no voice, I had nothing to say.

Someone walked to the side of me, standing next to me and taking my hand in theirs gently. I blinked, a tear falling down my face as I looked up to see Phil standing there looking pale. He lost his best friend, I didn't know whether it was harder for him because he knew him all of those years...Or was it harder for me as he was the love of my life? Maybe we just felt the same.

"Smile for him" Phil croaked out, I breathed in a shaky breath and stared as the coffin got lowered into the ground. I tried to smile, I honestly did but it seemed impossible. The vicar was speaking, I knew he was speaking English but I couldn't understand the words he was saying.

Phil gave my hand a little squeeze, pulling me back into reality. He handed me a tissue with his other hand and I took it gratefully. I wiped my eyes, even though the tears were replaced with new ones straight away.

"He told me to look after you if anything happens" He whispered and I swallowed hard. The coffin was placed into the ground, a rose was dropped onto it by his mother. I didn't know if I should had dropped anything, he already took my heart, what else did he need with him whilst he lay there alone?

"He's gone" At first I thought someone else said it, but then Phil looked at me and nodded, tears slowly falling down his pale cheeks.

He handed me a red rose slowly, then stared at the coffin. "When you're ready"

I was never going to be ready to say goodbye to him. I couldn't. He was my soul mate, my first and only love and I had to say goodbye to him in a matter of minutes. He's gone. Forever. I stepped forwards, towards the whole which my fiance laid in with a box around him. "Goodbye" I whispered as I rose my shaky hand up, letting the rose drop out of my fingers and onto the box. My knee's became week and my legs soon caved in from under me. Gasps came from the crowd and I felt arms wrap around me.

"We'll say our final goodbyes" Phil whispered, helping me stand normally. "It's been a rough day and week. It'll get better though...It always does" he put his arm around me and led me away from my Dan.

I asked myself, why wasn't I the one to die? Then I thought about the emotional pain Dan would be going through if I was laying in that coffin. He wouldn't be able to handle it, I couldn't handle it. "What are we going to do now" I whispered to Phil, he frowned and shook his head.

"I don't know Lou. I just don't know" He wiped his eyes and helped me into a black Volvo. I got in the back and he joined me. Phil told the driver the address and the car started moving. I didn't know whether I liked the idea of being away from Dan, If I was with him at the grave it'd only bring back the memories...and the pain.

We was going to the party now. Celebrate his life, say our final goodbyes. I didn't know if I could hold on much longer without breaking down. People would approach me and his family saying he was a good man, he was so loved and was very talented. They'd say sorry and wish us luck and I'd stand there, feeling as if I was about to puke from having too much pain and sorrow inside of me. We decided to have the wake the same day as the funeral, just after it. Maybe it would be easier that way...or harder.

The drive was silent. Phil was staring out of the window mostly, he glanced at me a few times. Probably to see if I was okay, I'd never be okay. For the drive, I just sat there in silence thinking about Dan. It was strange how my world revolved around him, now his gone...What now?

I couldn't find someone else to love, I just couldn't. I'd be reminded of Dan every time, I knew it. I'd be alone, I'd be waiting for death to take me just so I could be with him again. It was strange how much I wanted death to take me.

"We're here" Phil whispered as the car pulled up outside a strange building. Phil got out, walked round and opened the door for me. I stepped out the car and saw people from the funeral entering the building. I saw Dan's father walk in with another man, shaking his head sadly as the man patted his shoulder.

"I can't" I whispered and Phil cupped my face in his palms.

"You can Lou, you can. It's going to be hard for all of us but we have to say our goodbyes" He stared at me sadly, "I'll be with you every step of the way" Phil promised and I took a big, shaky inhale of air before I nodded and walked in with him.

Muse was playing, him and Phil loved Muse. I would have smiled if this deep depressing feeling wasn't haunting me. I entered the room where people all stood, the music was louder, food and beverages were scattered along the tables...And there was photo's of Dan on the wall. I stared at them for a few seconds, admiring and taking in his beauty. I wouldn't see that in person again, I wouldn't be able to kiss him for one last time.

Phil placed his arm around my shoulder, looking at the photograph's with me. "Such a poser" He chuckled but there was no humour in it.

Someone started to approach us, I turned my eyes away from the photo's to see Dan's mum walking to us sadly. Dan's dad followed shortly after.

"I...Louise..." She dabbed a tissue at her eyes, "I just want to thank you for making my son the happiest man on the planet. I..."

I grabbed her before she could say anything else, I hugged her so tight. We sobbed into each others shoulders.

"I wanna thank you for making him who he was" I whispered to her, "You brought him up well" I exchanged glances with Dan's dad who smiled a little, a fake smile but enough to say 'thank you' to me.

"He'll be watching us from heaven" She pulled away. I stared at her sadly, nodding. "Phil...You changed his life. You made him get a job which he loved. I bet he never did regret anything" She smiled and hugged Phil who nodded.

"He was my partner in crime. He may be gone, his memory and video's will still be there though. He'll still live on through our hearts"

I took a deep breath. What if I went on YouTube and saw a video of him pop up? Maybe I should watch video's of him, he'll seem alive. He'll seem so real that I'd convince myself he was actually real. I'd start going round the house, trying to find him...Then Phil would have to break it to me. I'd go insane from misery.

"You still making video's?" Dan's dad asked Phil, he nodded.

"I guess Lou will be in my video's now. We'll stick together. I'll look after her" Phil looked at them both, promising.

"You've always been a good brother role model to her" Phil's mum smiled but started sobbing, "We better go" She walked off, greeting other people as me and Phil stood there blankly.

"I miss him so much" I frowned, "We were good people...He made the right choices, he hasn't done anything bad. He was even driving normally, correctly. Then that crash had to happen"

"Lou" Phil stopped me, "Sadly bad things happen to good people. It's an ugly world. Hell, maybe there is a God and he thought he was too good so took him from this horrible world and put him somewhere better"

"Then why doesn't he take me, you and all the others. Why can't we go with him?" I frowned rubbing my eyes.

"Maybe he fulfilled his purpose on earth"

"And what was that" My voice broke and made a horrible high pitched sound.

"He made so many people happy with his video's, he made my life amazing and...Well...You. He made you so happy, he showed you what love is"

"But now all I feel is pain. I need him" I whimpered, hugging Phil tight. "We need him back here" I sobbed.

"I know Lou, I know" Phil whispered rubbing my back. Life would never be easy, I thought I had control of my life, I thought it was going the way I wanted it to go. I was happy, I had Dan and Phil. Dan was my fiance and Phil was practically my brother- being annoying and all. Then some drunk bastard decides to get behind the steering wheel and kill my fiance. Everything came crashing down. Phil said it'll get better but I highly doubt it.

This dark feeling I have now has gotten comfy, it isn't going anywhere soon.

"I just wanna go home" I whispered, Phil nodded. "Let's go" I sighed, looking around the room sadly but then walking off. Phil was following me, making sure I got home safely. If I stayed any longer then I would have started drinking to try and numb the pain, it'd just hit me worse in the morning though. I needed to leave before I destroyed myself.

"You going to sleep in his bed?" Phil asked, I stopped breathing for a second, realising that now I'd always have to sleep alone. I shook my head slowly. I closed my eyes and pictured him laying next to me on the bed, smiling and looking at me longingly. "You know where my bedroom is if you need me" He told me as we got in the car, he told the guy our home address and he started driving. My breathing quickened as the tears started pouring down my face. "It's okay, let it out" Phil pulled me into him and I sobbed uncontrollably into him.

I cried so much but I knew there would be more tears tonight. There would be more tears tomorrow, the day after, the month after...How many tears could I cry before the pain stopped?

"When we get home, go to bed. You haven't slept in days. If it helps, take some tablets. You really need sleep Lou" He whispered sadly and I nodded. Lack of sleep was making me emotionally unstable, well, I think.

The car pulled up at our apartment block. I got out and walked into the building with Phil, walking into the elevator and pressing our floor number. It was strange not having Dan with us, trying to scare us both. It was just me and Phil now.

The elevator doors opened and we stepped out, walking to our apartment. Phil unlocked the door and I headed straight to me and Dan's room...Well, I guess it's just my room now. I opened the door and looked at the empty bed. I took a deep breath in and teared up. It still smelt like him. I dragged myself to the bed and fell on it, hugging the pillow which was on his side. It smelt like him, I closed my eyes and pictured him there. Nothing would bring him back and nothing would stop the pain. Thinking about him only made it harder, in a strange way- it was the only way I would be able to survive.


	2. Chapter 2

Dream One:

I had no idea what this book was about in my hands, it was supposed to be a very good vampire book yet I just wanted to put it down and sip my Mocha which was steaming. Nothing could beat Starbucks on a cold winters day, so of course I had to come here.

I was wearing my black coat which came just down to my bum, I wore my favourite wooly hat which looked good with curly hair if I must say. Wearing finger-less gloves made me feel homeless, is that strange?

I took a glance at my Mocha which- of course, was still steaming. I couldn't wait for it to cool down a little so I could swallow some of that delicious warm heaven in a cup. My eyes lingered back to the book, I found it quite hard to read since people wouldn't be quiet. Well, they was with someone and I was alone. Maybe I just envied them which was why I was being quite bitter now. I wanted someone to sit with me and speak to me, A friend.

I didn't have any friends, though. That's not an over exaggeration. I literally have none. As soon as I left school, they left and went their own ways. They didn't stay in touch. It wasn't one of those situations where you wait for them to speak to you and do nothing to try and contact them. Actually, it was the other way round! They never bothered to reply to my texts and messages on Facebook. They couldn't be bothered with me.

I didn't blame them.

I was a problem child. By that, I mean I had a lot of issues. That's all in the past though. I did hate going to my 'friends' when I had a problem, it got on their nerves and even if they didn't have the guts to admit it, I knew. I could see it in their faces, they never knew how to help me. They didn't want to help me, they just wanted to have fun, party.

Now I'm on my own, waiting for my Starbucks to cool down so I could drink it. What a fun life, eh? The one thing I did hate about Starbucks was that it was full with people every day. Even despite the fact that there aren't many seats, no one has come to sit opposite me yet. I swear I have a sign saying 'Avoid me at all costs' near me.

I didn't mind being on my own that much, it gave me time to think, create. Sure, I do miss speaking to people. I missed that stupid gossip which went around. I missed sharing secrets and I missed the hugs. If I was on my own no one could get hurt, If I was on my own I wouldn't get hurt. See, there are always pro's and con's for everything. You just have to balance it out!

I placed the book down, sighing. I couldn't get into it. I took the cup of heaven into my hands, blowing on it lightly.

"Boring book?" A deep voice asked, I turned my head to the side to see a tall, slim boy stand there. "Sorry, I was just wondering if I could sit with you?" I nodded, still blowing on my Mocha which seemed to amuse him as he chuckled. I took a sip, smiling. He sat down opposite me, placing his drink on the coffee table. "You looked very amused with that book"

"Ah, sarcasm" I whispered, "Well, I guess I'll mock you then. Yes, amazing book, I couldn't put it down!" He chuckled.

"Oh of course not, it must have fell out of your hands onto the chair then" He smiled, pointing at the book which I placed down.

"Of course" I smiled.

"You seemed more interested in your drink than the book" He chuckled, taking his drink and sipping it. How could he drink it so hot? "I mean, I know Starbucks is good but...Is the book that bad?"

"Yeah. Nearly as bad as Twilight" I muttered and he choked on his drink. "Twilight fan?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. He nodded...Then started doing a weird facial expression. Oh no...He was doing a Kristen Stewart impression!

"Edward" He said in a dull, strange voice. I giggled, nearly choking on my Mocha. He smiled at my reaction and went back to his normal self.

We both went quiet after that, drinking our drinks. I was nearly at the end of mine now. I felt quite...Awkward? I daren't look at him, I had to keep glancing out the window looking at the snow which was gently falling onto the ground so gracefully.

"I'm Dan" He spoke up. I looked at him slowly, it was like he was studying me.

"Louise" I chimed up, placing my empty cup on the coffee table. "Nice to meet you, Dan" I smiled a little.

"Ah, you've finished your drink. What are you going to do now? Go back to that book? You poor thing. Here, let me buy you another drink just to delay the pain" He grinned and I felt a burst of excitement inside of me.

"Buying a stranger a drink? Are you flirting with me, Dan?" I tilted my head a little, watching him. His cheeks went a little red but of course that could have been from the cold!

"And what if I am?" He asked, curious.

"Well I wouldn't care, I'd still accept the drink" I smirked and he laughed. It was strange, a few minutes ago I was talking about not talking to anyone then he comes along. Maybe he can read minds? Maybe I just looked lonely. "Mocha, make it a small if you're paying"

He stood up, shaking his head and walking to the till. I sat there, smiling at myself. I bet that looked strange. Was he observing me when he was buying his coffee? He must have been to see my boring facial expression when I was reading the book. I didn't know if that was creepy or cute.

In a matter of minutes, he came back- with a large mocha. I sighed and glared at him as he placed it down in front of me innocently. "That's not a small cup"

"I wanted to get you a large one so you'd stay longer" He grinned sitting down opposite me again. "You don't recognise me do you?"

I felt my cheeks flush red, embarrassment. He was probably a ex-boyfriend, someone from school or a family member I completely forgot about!

"I uh..." I tried to think, I observed him trying to think who he could be. "No...Don't be offended, I have a memory like a goldfish" I whispered.

"I'm Dan Howell" He smiled, I stared at him blankly...Who? "I'm on YouTube" I've heard of YouTube, I go on there a lot actually. "Danisnotonfire?" He raised an eyebrow and I shook my head shrugging awkwardly. "Whoa"

"Are you famous on YouTube then?" I raised an eyebrow.

"I would say so" He whispered, "I'm a English Vlogger"

"Awesome" I smiled, "Is that your job then?" I asked and he nodded.

"It's strange, having a job I actually love doing. I'm very lucky" He took a sip of his drink.

"Is it strange, talking to a camera? I'd feel extremely awkward" I shrugged, "I don't mean to be rude but I'd feel pretty stupid. It's like you're talking to yourself"

"Think about it though, if you're a fan and you watched it It'd be like I'm speaking to you. Don't get me wrong, I did feel awkward doing it but you get used to it after a while" He smiled. "Well, at least you're not fangirling" He chuckled and I drank my drink quickly.

"I need to be somewhere" I told him, grabbing my book and shoving it into my bag, I doubt I was going to read it. "It was nice meeting you Dan" I smiled at him and went to stand up but he grabbed my wrist gently.

"Wait, let me have your number" He flashed me a charming smile.

"What? No" I laughed but he looked serious. "I can't give a random person my number..."

"Of course you can, how do you think you make friends? Boyfriends? Enemies!" He reached into his pocket and pulled out a tiny piece of paper, along with a pen. "Here, how about I give you my number?" He wrote it down before I could hesitate. "My mother always told me not to give up opportunities like this, she said I'd regret it so...Here I am not giving this up" He shrugged handing me the paper. "I tried, now it's up to you"

"No pressure then" I whispered taking the paper and looking at it. "So you're saying I could make something big happen...Maybe" I tilted my head at him slightly, playfully. He nodded slowly keeping that same charming smile on his face. "I'll bare that in mind" I bit my lip smiling and walked out of the shop. I felt so great, so excited! I got a boys number, a very very cute boys number. Now it's up to me if I do anything with it but of course I will!

Present:

I gasped and sat up quickly looking around. It was so dark in this room, so empty and cold too. I was sweating though, I was breathing so heavily.

"Dan..." The name escaped my lips and the pain came back, it caved in on me making tears stream down my face. I had a dream about when we first met. It was just a dream, he wasn't here. He wouldn't be here ever again, only in my dreams. You can't dream of someone constantly though, that's a shame. I turned my head to look at the empty bed next to me. He should be laying here next to me! Not in that coffin!

This was so hard for me and Phil. We just wanted our friend back.

I laid back on the bed slowly, wiping my eyes but the tears came back again. How long could I hold on for? How long till I broke down and couldn't get back up? How long until that happened to Phil? Surely the pain numbs, surely it gets easier. I sure hope it does because people think I'm strong when actually? I'm so weak. I pretend to be strong but at this minute, I haven't got the energy to pretend anymore. I haven't got the energy to fake smile through the day so I just cry. I don't even know how I have the energy to cry.

I didn't feel sleepy. I doubt I'll get anymore sleep tonight. I glanced at the alarm clock and saw it was only three in the morning. I had to speak with Phil when he woke up, I had to have him stick by me through the rough times because if I did it on my own, I wouldn't survive- I wouldn't stand a chance and I bet Phil was the same as me.


	3. Chapter 3

The next three hours went so slow, it was like time slowed down on purpose just so I had to endure more pain. I knew that Phil wouldn't get much sleep, he normally gets up around six now. You might think that wasn't early but when you normally wake up around ten? Six is very early.

Dan and Phil was the same: Lazy. They'd always get up around ten or eleven, I'd be awake at nine and that's the maximum time. I've always been an early person, getting up early for work...Three am was too early though.

I got out of bed slowly, carefully making it. It was too quiet for my liking. The bed was too empty and cold to sleep in. I grabbed my dressing gown which was on the floor and slipped it on, walking out of the room. The sad thing was that the house still smelt like him. His clothes was still in his wardrobe, the scent of him was so strong. I didn't let anyone go in our room, I didn't let anyone take anything but some photo's for the funeral.

I made my way towards the kitchen, filling up the coffee pot and boiling it. I couldn't eat properly at the moment but I could drink. The lack of sleep I was getting made my body weak, all the crying made me weak. My heart needed to recover from a part of it dying, maybe I can replace that part some day...Who knows?

"I heard you get up" I heard Phil whisper. Normally Phil would be joking around, or he'd come up behind me and make me jump but considering the situation we're both in, he's been sensative lately.

"Did I wake you?" I turned and looked at him holding a cup of coffee out for him. "Sorry if I did...I didn't sleep well"

"No, I couldn't sleep either. I could hear you crying and it worried me. It's not your fault" He walked over and took the cup from my hands gently. "You know I'm always here to talk about anything...Even if it's about Dan" He whispered his name and I inhaled deeply.

"I'm fine. What I'm going through is normal Phil. You're the same. We're mourning"

"I know, I wish I could do something about it though" He sat down looking at me sadly. I tried to concentrate on what was happening now, right this minute. All I could think about was that dream. When I did sleep I dreamt of Dan. I needed to get more sleep to increase the chances of dreaming of Dan. I know you can't control your dreams unless you lucid dream but I was willing to try. Either way I'd win, sleeping and dreaming about Dan would just be a bonus.

"There is something you might be able to do" I slowly sat down opposite him. "I was thinking about taking my tablets. My bodies so weak Phil, I kind of need to take my tablets" I whispered.

"the benzodiazepine tablets?" I raised an eyebrow at him, "The sleeping tablets the doctor prescribed you with" He smiled a little, how did he remember the name? I couldn't remember any name of my prescriptions.

"Yeah. It'd do me good to get a good sleep for once"

"Finally" He sighed, "I was going to contact the doctor and tell them that you wasn't taking the pills because you was worrying me so much. I've heard that if you don't sleep for quite a few days then your body ends up putting you into a coma. I've lost one person and I'm not about to lose another"

I didn't know whether I should tell Phil about my dream. I didn't know if I should tell him the real reason behind me wanting to take these tablets. I was supposed to take them a while ago when they was prescribed to me but I refused. For some reason I wanted to make myself pay, I wanted to suffer.

There was that chance that Phil would take the pills away from me if I kept dreaming about Dan. There was a chance that he would think I'm crazy and put me into therapy. Knowing Phil though, he'd probably just be happy that I was taking my tablets and becoming healthier. I knew what I was going to do tonight though, I was going to take the tablets and hope for the best. Maybe I would dream of Dan again? Or maybe it was a one time thing. I needed to see him again, whatever the cost.


	4. Chapter 4

The day seemed to drag on, me and Phil just watched some movies and sat on the sofa all day. We didn't want to do much, it felt wrong to have fun without Dan here. Phil cooked some food for me but I couldn't eat it. I tried but I felt sick after the first bite. I felt bad for him, he tried to make an effort but I dismissed it.

"Do you know where the tablets are?" I asked looking at him. He nodded and pointed to the bathroom.

"In the cabinet. You're going to sleep now?" He asked looking at the clock. "Its only six"

"Like I said, my body's weak and I haven't had a lot of sleep. I'm afraid I'm going to have to have early nights" I whispered standing up and making my way to the bathroom.

"Is it because of Dan?" I stopped dead in my tracks but didn't look at him. Instead I looked at my bedroom door. Was he already onto me? "I know all his stuff is in there and it probably still smells like him too" He whispered softly. I turned around slowly and looked at him sadly.

"I hate going to that room knowing he's not in there waiting for me" I sighed looking down. "But it's where I sleep"

"Well, if it gets too much then you can have my room" he stood up hugging me.

"Thank you" I whispered hugging him back but let go after a few seconds. "You try and get some rest too" I told him and he smiled nodding. I walked to the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I opened the cabinet and took my pills out reading the description.

Take one every night.

I opened the bottle and took one out, swallowing it and rinsing my mouth with water. I quickly brushed my teeth and went to the bedroom, laying down in the bed staring at the ceiling.

I was praying to God that I would see him again. I was hoping that these tablets would help me sleep and dream.

I felt my eyes getting heavy and looked next to me where he would have been. I smiled softly and let sleep take over me.

Dream two:

Today was the day I was going to have my first date with that 'famous' Dan guy I met in Starbucks. I had to admit, I was pretty damn excited. I never really got asked out for dates- or anywhere for that matter.

I made a little effort in what I wore today. I didn't want to try too hard because I didn't want to come across desperate. I mean, I made effort with my hair and makeup but with my clothes, I just wore black skinny jeans and a nice plain short sleeved top.

He told me to meet him at the park near where we met in Starbucks. I'm glad he didn't take me to a restaurant, I couldn't eat in front of a guy I just met!

I wanted to search for him on YouTube but I was afraid it would make me more nervous, I mean, if he's famous on there it'd make thinks extremely awkward. If I talked about his video's he might think that I was stalking him.

I started walking to the park, A sick nervous feeling hit my belly. Butterflies? I had every right to be nervous though, he was cute! It was strange, going out to meet up with someone. It wasn't a normal experience for me which was pretty sad. What would I do if he asks me about my personal life? Friends, family...Now I'm even more nervous!

The walk there took me roughly ten minutes. I sat on the bench in the middle of the park looking around for him. I couldn't see him, maybe he stood me up? I felt my cheeks blush red with embarrassment, that would just be my luck. At least the park had a nice little bridge crossing over the river there? If he didn't show then I could pretend that I had just finished work and wanted to relax in the park. I didn't want anyone to think I was a loner.

"Surprise" I heard a voice behind me and span around quickly to see Dan standing there smiling. He had a bunch of flowers in his hands. I stared at them not saying a single word. He looked at them confused then back at me. "Don't you like them?"

"I do" I whispered smiling a little.

"Good, they're for you" He held them out smiling but I kept staring.

"Uh, I don't know what to do with them" I whispered and he laughed.

"Well, it'd be a good start if you took them" I smiled at his cheeky attitude and took them.

"I meant, we've just got here and I can't put them in water" He walked and sat down next to me realizing.

"Ah well, they should be fine for a while" He shrugged and looked around at the park. "It's beautiful, isn't it?" I nodded smiling at him, my cheeks still burning red. "That's why I picked here. I was going to go for the cinema but then we'd hardly speak"

"You picked a good spot right here" I held the flowers to my nose, sniffing them. I loved the smell of flowers. I heard Dan laugh next to me and quickly pushed the flowers away before sneezing, making him laugh even more. "I think one went up my nose" I cringed then blushed even more red. What the hell was I saying!? I was on a date!

"You're funny" He calmed his laughing down. "And you're definitely one of a kind"

"Why thank you" I grinned and he stood up. "Where are we going?" He held his hand out smiling.

"You'll see" I slowly took his hand, hoping mine weren't sweating and horrible. He started walking with me over to the bridge. I hope to God he wasn't going to push me in the river. "I used to come here a lot" He whispered, stopping at the top of the bridge looking down into the river. "When I needed time to myself I came here. I mean, I know it's noisy due to the cars and kids but it's truly beautiful"

"I used to walk through the park not noticing anything" I shrugged, ruining the moment. He chuckled softly and shook his head. "Hey Dan, I have a question" I whispered, he looked at me waiting. "So you say you're famous on YouTube? Do you get a lot of people running up to you screaming your name and asking for an autograph?"

"Kind of" He smiled, "Normally people come up to me and they're trying to calm there selves down. They normally want a picture, which I'm happy to take with them"

"That's sweet" I smiled and he nodded. "You must make a lot of people happy"

"You haven't seen my video's yet?" He raised an eyebrow and I shook my head. "I thought that would be the first thing you'd do when you got home"

"I was tempted"

"What stopped you?" He turned, facing me and crossing his arms. I kept my eyes on the flowers trying to calm my cheeks down.

"I didn't want to be more nervous" I shrugged. "If I saw your video's, see all the comments and how famous you really are then I'd explode from anxiety" I chuckled looking back up to see him grinning.

"Yep, One of a kind" I playfully hit his arm making him chuckle.

"Look, I know we've just got here but these flowers are slowly dying of thirst" I whispered looking at them. "Is it okay if we go back to mine?" I didn't even think, the words came out and my cheeks felt like they was going to explode. What if he got the wrong idea!?

"Sure" He smirked at my cheeks. I started walking, him following me.

I don't think dates are supposed to go like this. I've been making a fool of myself ever since he arrived on the scene. I wish I could just act normal, then maybe I'd have a chance with him.

The walk to mine took the same time as it did when I walked to the park. Dan was asking me my favourite colours, books, films, actors. He made the time go by quick. When I arrived at my door I looked at him awkwardly.

"Did you want to come in?" Maybe it was too soon? I didn't plan on doing anything with him but what if he got the wrong idea?

"Sure" He whispered, I opened the door gulping. I walked in, letting him in and closed the door behind us. I immediately went to the kitchen, cutting the ends of the flowers and putting them into a vase. Dan was looking around and I watched him. "Nice" He smiled.

"Thanks, but you don't need to lie" I smiled back at him. "It's a cheap apartment, you get what you've paid for"

"At least it's ground floor?" He shrugged.

I heard my phone buzz loudly from the living room. I apologised silently and ran over to it looking at the new text message.

'Tanya can't make it today, need you to cover asap'

Great, my boss had to ruin the moment. I sighed and looked at Dan.

"I'm sorry, I have to go to work. Someone's bailed and I have to cover them" He nodded understandingly and walked up to me giving me a gentle hug. I hugged him back awkwardly and grinned to myself.

"I'll call you later or tomorrow. Or both" He whispered, letting go. "I'll see you again" He kissed my forehead gently and walked out of the apartment. I stood there, looking like a tomato. He wanted to see me again? After that! I jumped around, squealing excitedly doing little fist pumps around the room. He liked me! Someone actually liked me! I couldn't believe my luck and I couldn't wait till I saw him again!


	5. Chapter 5

It happened again, I had a dream of him but it was more like memories. They felt so realistic, I could almost remember his touch. It must be these tablets, my mourning stage mixed with the tablets. Something weird was going on and I knew I shouldn't rely on them to dream of him but I couldn't help but hope that when I did take them, I'd see him in my dreams.

Phil should never find out about this, he'd think I was going crazy. He'd hide the tablets and I wouldn't see Dan ever again. Everyone has their ways of dealing with grief and this is mine. Is it healthy? No. Does it help? I have no idea but I needed to see Dan. I needed this.

I walked into the living room but it was empty. I sat on the sofa and turned the tv on flicking through the channels until the news channel came up with a headline that stopped my heart in it's tracks.

'Internet star Dan Howell killed in a car accident'

I frowned as I felt tears begin to fill my eyes again. I couldn't move on when everything kept reminding me off him.

"Turn it off" I heard a voice from behind me and I turned slightly to see Phil stand there. He looked like he had a roughs night sleep and was still in his PJ's. "Louise, turn it off" He frowned slightly and I turned the TV off.

"When will we get over it?" I asked quietly, "I mean, will we ever get over it? I don't know how I feel, sad of course, but it's a different kind of sad. One that feels as if it's here to stay. It won't shift" I wiped my eyes and stood up. "It's like having a broken leg, when you first do it, it kills. Then it gets better...But this is like it's stuck on a repeat cycle of the first stage. I feel like I'm smothered by all this sadness and I can't find a way out" I felt a lump in my throat, "I hate this!" I shouted grabbing my hair. "I hate that I can't smile for him. I hate that he's watching me and I'm grovelling and I'm crying non stop because I miss him"

"It's okay Louise, that's normal. I feel the same"

"Then why do you seem to handle it better then me?" I tried to clear my eyes from the tears so I could look at Phil without a blurry vision. He seemed to be strong around me, when I see Phil I just fell apart. How could he not do the same? He was friends with Dan for so long.

"I hide it" He whispered softly. "I made a promise to Dan, that if anything happened to him I would be strong for you. I'd be there and look after you no matter what. I have to hide it because I have to be strong for you Louise" He teared up slightly and walked closer holding my hands. "I know exactly how you feel because I feel the same. I handle it differently to you though. I have to keep it inside me because I'm afraid that if I let it out, I'll fall apart"

"We both have to grieve. Phil, you can't look after me, you need to go through this stage too" I whispered and he smiled slightly as a tear fell down his cheek.

"I'm grieving but the way I get through it is to look after you. I know Dan is looking down on us and I know that he'd kill me if I let you fall apart" I wiped away his tears and hugged him tight. "I miss him too but there's nothing we can do" He whispered hugging me back. All I could think of was those dreams that I had. The only thing I could do was to take them tablets and dream of him. I felt terrible, If I kept taking those tablets they'd make me ill and then I'd let Phil down. Phil said he had to be strong for me but I had to be there for him as well.

"I'm sorry" I whispered, holding onto the hug for just a few more seconds before letting him go. "I don't know what I'd do without you" I smiled for him softly making him return one. "Maybe we just have to get through this together. Talk to each other" I shrugged and sat down on the sofa again.

"Well, how about a coffee? Maybe some food?" He asked and I nodded slowly. The lack of food was getting to me now. I could feel every muscle in my body ache, I could feel my stomach rumbling like crazy and my energy levels were at an all time low. I wasn't sure If I could eat but I could try.

"Thank you" I whispered as he walked off to the kitchen.

"I'm just glad you're trying to eat again" I could hear the relief in his voice. "Did you want to watch a movie or something? Play a few games? Go outside?"

"Games" I whispered looking down. I wasn't ready to face the world yet. All of Dan's fans knew who I was, I appeared in a few of his videos. I remember the first time he asked me to appear in his video. I was extremely shy and reluctant. I was terrified of how everyone would react. I knew that a lot of his fans were girls and they'd be extremely jealous and threaten me. He reassured me and told me that they'd want him to be happy and that I made him the happiest he's ever been. His fans were like his family, it was nice to have that kind of relationship with millions of people.

When I finally appeared on video I remember how red I went, I remember that I was lost for words because I had no idea what to say. Dan kept laughing and trying to get me to speak by asking me questions. He explained to the camera that we was together, told everyone how long we've been together and I told them a little bit about myself. The reactions were unexpectedly pleasant. You'd get a few 'BITCH- Only joking, I'm happy for you' which made me laugh. His fans were so supportive and I felt relief wash over me.

I couldn't imagine how they took the news about his death though. I bet so many fans cried that day, so many came home from work or school to see on the news that he was killed. I daren't check his Youtube or twitter account, the comments would have had me fall apart.

I wondered if Phil was going to go back in Youtube. It was his job afterall. Dan and Phil did so many video's together though, it'd be hard on Phil to go off on his own completely.

I had no idea where the future would take me and Phil, I had no idea how we were going to get over this. All I know is that I was really looking forward for tonight so I could see Dan again.


	6. Chapter 6

Dream three:

It was weird to think that it had been nearly three months since I met Dan in Starbucks. We had been on various dates ranging from meals at restaurants to going to the cinema, yet today was the day he was going to introduce me to his friend Phil. Of course I was nervous, I was about to meet his best friend, I was anxious to see what he thinks about me, after all, I'm no one special. Well, Dan thinks otherwise. I felt like this was a big step for him, that he trusts me enough to meet his friend.

"Are you ready?" He questioned me as we stood at the front door to his flat. My nerves were getting the best of me though, I had to hide my hands in my sleeves to hide my shakiness. I shouldn't be this nervous, I had nothing to be nervous about! Well, that's what I kept telling myself. All I had to do was greet him, be nice and be myself. It sounded simple enough but what if I somehow screwed that up?

"Ready as I'll ever be" I smiled slightly at him, watching as he opened the door and walked in. I took a deep breath before following him but my heart beat picked up when he shut the door behind me. My eyes immediately met the back of who I assumed was Phil's head. He was sitting on the sofa, watching television with his back to us. Dan cleared his throat loudly, making Phil scramble to his feet as he smiled at us both.

"Hi!" He waved slightly and I couldn't help but smile at his awkwardness. He slowly approached, holding out his hand to me as I slowly took it, shaking it. "I'm Phil, you must be Louise" We dropped the handshake as stared at each other.

"Yeah" I felt my cheeks burn up at my own comment. Really? That was all I had to say?

"It's nice to meet you finally" He glanced at Dan, smirking. "He hasn't stopped talking about you, I've been dying to meet you"

"Well, I hope he's been saying good things about me then" I chuckled nervously, looking at Dan who was shaking his head at Phil.

"Of course" Phil whispered, walking over to the open kitchen. "Would you like a drink? Since he hasn't asked"

"I was going to but I wanted you two to meet first" I heard Dan tried to defend himself.

"You don't ask me if I want a drink! And we live together!" Phil clicked the kettle on and I watched as Dan walked to him.

"That's because you're not a guest" He shrugged. "And you never make me one either"

"I do sometimes" I admired them both, how they spoke to each other. It was like watching an old married couple argue. It seemed to calm me, make me feel more comfortable.

"Sometimes?" Dan scoffed, "When was the last time you made me one exactly?" I looked at Phil who seemed like he was thinking, trying to remember the day when he made a drink for him but struggled.

"Tea or coffee?" He looked at me, avoiding Dan's question.

"Coffee, two sugars" I smiled, containing my laughter. Dan glanced at me whilst smiling himself. "So when I go, will you continue to argue about this?" I raised an eyebrow as they both turned to me nodding.

"So we can't let you leave" Phil shrugged, making the drinks.

"Don't scare her" I heard Dan mumble to him and Phil mumbled something back.

"So Louise, where do you work?" Phil walked over, handing me my cup as he walked to the sofa gesturing me to follow. I walked over carefully, trying not to spill my drink. I didn't want to ruin their carpet, or die of embarrassment.

"Really? You could have asked her anything and you said that?" I shot Dan a look which seemed to amuse Phil.

"I'm getting to know her"

"I work in a shop, it's just a small corner shop" Now that was embarrassing, I had to be grateful that I had a job but these guys are famous! My job was nothing compared to them.

"Do you get discount?" Phil raised an eyebrow at me and I chuckled.

"No, we're short-staffed though so I get paid extra?" I shrugged, sipping my drink slowly. "I've heard you do the same as Dan, upload video's"

"Yeah" He smiled, "We do video's together a lot, the fans seem to love it" He smiled to himself, "Have you seen any of our video's?"

"I uh, I watched a few" I shrugged and Dan sat next to me, raising an eyebrow at me. "I was against the idea yes but curiosity got the better of me" I smiled innocently at him. "You guys are funny though"

"I'm glad someone thinks we are" Dan chuckled.

"I'm not interrupting your schedule right?" I glanced at them both worried but they shook their heads. "Good, I don't want an angry mob outside my door"

"Neither would I, it would mean that they'd find us too!" Dan joked and I nudged him playfully.

"Well they already know you two are together" Phil whispered as we both stared at him confused. "What? There's a picture going round on twitter of the two of you in a restaurant" I slowly looked to Dan who seemed worried. It was awkward because Phil assumed we was dating, I mean, we was but we wasn't officially going out, you know, like girlfriend and boyfriend. We were seeing each other but people was seeing it differently.

"What's been said?" Dan queried.

"Have you not seen it?" Phil looked at us confused before he looked down. "Oh, well, they're just wondering who she is and putting two and two together"

"Well the secrets out the bag then" Dan chuckled looking at me. I didn't know what to make of it though, were they going to try and find me? Try stalk my social media to figure out who the hell I am? "Louise, are you okay?"

"Um, am I safe?" They both burst into laughter as I sat there, worried for my life.

"Of course you are" Dan calmed down, "They're not going to kill you because you're with me"

"But I read in the comment section and they're in love with you!"

"Yeah but they'll understand if I'm dating someone" He smiled, "They think me and Phil are together"

"Oh they ship that hard" Phil laughed.

"Yeah, I saw that too" I smiled, "But they might think the worse of me, think I'm only seeing you because of the fame or money"

"Are you?" Dan questioned me which hurt, I shook my head and he smiled. "Well then, show them that" He shrugged. "I believe you"

"Then that's all that counts" Phil stood up, "I'll leave you two alone for a bit, I need to set my equipment up" He whispered before walking away.

"So, we're officially a couple then" Dan piped up.

"We are?" I frowned slightly, wondering when and where this exactly happened.

"Well, that's what the fans think. Might as well make it official" Realisation hit me as I knew what he was saying.

"Are you asking me out Dan Howell?" I bit my lip, hiding my smile.

"Why yes I am Louise Duff" He smiled, taking my hand gently. "Will you be my girlfriend?" He asked, keeping his voice ever so soft.

"Yes!" I blurted out in a high pitch. I covered my mouth with my other hand but we couldn't help but laugh between us.

"Finally!" Phil shouted from the other room which only made us laugh even more. I was so excited and happy, I swear my life couldn't get any better than this. Everyday I spent with Dan, I fell for him a little more. I had never felt this way about someone before, I had never fell in love with someone so quick and deeply. Even the most simplest thing he did made me love him more. I couldn't wait for what was going to happen in the future because I knew it would involve him and that was all I needed to make me happy.


	7. Chapter 7

I opened my eyes, sitting up slowly as my mind couldn't stray away from the dream I just had. I remember that day clearly, the day where I thought life couldn't get better, where I felt so scared and nervous at the start but so happy and loved by the end. I remember meeting Phil, him making me laugh and I knew that he was nervous too, even though he wouldn't show it. That day I was looking forward to the future, wondering what happiness it would bring and look what happened. I wish I knew what I know now, how much heartbreak I would feel, how much pain that would greet me every day and night starting as soon as I open my eyes. That pain would never go away, that heartbreak would leave scars on me that would never heal.

I glanced at the time to see it was 9.16 am, I wanted to go back to sleep, to dream of Dan again but Phil would get suspicious, he'd get worried.

I laid back down and stared at the ceiling, trying to picture my dream in my mind again as if it was a movie. It wasn't clear though, it didn't feel real and I craved that. I swear I could still feel the touch of his hand in mine from the dream, I swear I could still hear his voice as if he was next to me but I knew that was just me hoping, and that hope would bring me more pain.

I had to do something different today though, I couldn't be stuck in this flat anymore, I couldn't stay inside because it was doing me no good. I wasn't doing anything with my life, I was sitting on the sofa, thinking about Dan. Either that or I was talking to Phil about Dan which only caused us more pain. I had to at least try to help myself through this and maybe the fresh air could help? I didn't really want to go outside, I didn't want to risk having people come up to me and express their condolences.

I stood up, slipping on a plain light grey t-shirt and some black jeans, grabbing my hoodie as I walked out of our- my bedroom. I walked straight to the bathroom and shut the door, walking to the mirror as I stared at the girl in the reflection. I knew it was me, of course it was me but I looked so different and not in a good way. My hair was horrible, messy and neglected. My eyes were dark and sore from where I had been crying in my sleep again. My lips were chapped and I couldn't help but trace my finger over them, picturing Dan's lips against mine. I hadn't taken care of myself, I knew that but no one cared what I looked like, especially Phil. Phil cared for what was inside of me, he didn't care about my appearance and I'm glad. Before the accident I took so much time getting ready, making sure everything was perfect because I wanted to be perfect for Dan, even when he told me everyday that I was already perfect and that I didn't need to do anything to make me look even more beautiful than I already was. He gave me so much confidence, he granted me so much happiness and it was ripped away in only a few minutes.

I placed my hoodie to the side as I turned the tap, cupping the water as I splashed my face with it. I was wishing that as the water ran off my face it would take my pain with it, or at least my tears. This is the real world though, we had to all face pain in our lives or we wouldn't learn and we wouldn't become stronger. How the hell was I going to become stronger from this though? It was killing me! I grabbed the towel to my right and wiped my face, grabbing my hoodie and getting out of the bathroom before I could think about anything else and worsen my state. I walked into the living room where Phil sat quietly, watching the television which had no volume. He glanced up at me, giving me a supportive smile as he stood up.

"Hey" He whispered gently, "Did you want a drink?" He picked up his empty cup from the coffee table, gesturing at it.

"Actually, I think I'm going to go for a walk, maybe pick up a coffee" I shrugged, watching his surprised expression.

"Did you want me to come with you or?"

"I'll be okay Phil" I lied to him and I think he knew. "I think I need to get some fresh air, I think it'll help"

"I think it will too" He whispered, walking up to me as I bent down and slipped my shoes on as I tied the laces quickly. "But if it gets too much you'll call me right?"

"Of course" I whispered, standing up straight. "I won't be too long"

"Take all the time you need, just message me and make sure you're okay" He looked concerned, he thought that I was his responsibility now, that he had to take care of me now Dan's gone. It was a sweet thought but I had to take care of myself, I couldn't rely on anyone.

"I will" I slipped my hoodie on quickly and grabbed my small side bag, chucking it over my shoulder as I left the flat. I made my way to the elevator, clicking the ground floor button as the doors closed on me. I stood at the back, letting my hands rest on the metal bars as I waited. It was strange to be alone in the elevator, I normally had Dan by my side, he'd make a comment or tell me a funny story about what had happened to him in the past just to keep the conversation going. Time seemed to fly by when I was with him and now the days seemed to drag, the nights however...The nights I could see him again and that's probably why the day seemed to go on forever. I longed for the night to come, I wish that it wouldn't end but I'd always wake up from my dream of him and I became stuck in this life, a life that no longer had him in it.

The doors opened and I took a deep breath before stepping out and heading for the exit. As soon as my feet hit the pavement I froze, letting the wind hit my skin. I looked around at the busy street, cars filled the roads and people filled the pavements. They were going ahead with their day, their normal day like usual. I envied them, I envied them because they didn't feel the pain I felt, nothing seemed to had changed for them. I looked up at the sky and frowned at how dark it was. Was it always this dark? Or was it my mood that made everything in this world seem like a darker place?

Doubt filled my mind, could I actually do this? Was I capable of doing such a simple task without Dan being by my side? He guided me, he made sure I was alright, he always reassured me that everything would be okay, if only he could see me now. He'd probably be laughing at me, I mean, how hard could it be to walk down the streets of London? How hard could it be for me to move on from this? Extremely hard.

I plucked up the courage and pushed myself to walk even though I didn't know where to go. As long as I walked, I achieved something today. I managed to get up, get out the flat and get some fresh air, that was a big step for me. It didn't feel right, everything was telling me to go back and go back to bed, maybe take a nap to try and see a glimpse of him again. I couldn't sleep my life away though, I had to do something, anything.

I turned a corner and frowned slightly, I recognised where I were but couldn't remember why, I didn't exactly take this route a lot but something felt familiar about it. I continued walking, looking to my right as I passed a few convenience shops. I had definitely been here before because with every step I seemed to recognise this place more. I walked faster, eager to find out why until it hit me. I froze just outside the shop and stared inside at the seat closest to the window. I was at Starbucks, the place where we first met. I stared at the seat as if I could see myself sitting there reading that god damn awful book before Dan walked and sat opposite me. This year would have made it five years since we met, even though it wasn't that long...Those years were the best years of my life.

"Excuse me" Someone whispered as I snapped out of my thoughts, looking at an elderly woman waiting patiently next to me, I was blocking her way. I moved out of the way as she passed me, entering the shop. I couldn't stay here, I couldn't do this to myself. I thought coming out would make me feel better even if it was only by a little bit but it seemed as if everything made me think of him. Standing outside the place we first met though? That cut deep. I could feel the tears form in my eyes as people stared at me, wondering what was happening to me. I dug into my bag, picking out my phone and dialling Phil's number.

"Louise? Are you alright?" I heard his voice and I couldn't hold it in anymore. I burst into tears and fell to my knee's as I tried to talk to him but I couldn't speak. "Louise! Where are you?!"

"S...Starbucks, where we first met" I whispered through sobs and the line went dead. My phone fell from my hand as I covered my mouth to stop my sobbing. People were gathering around me, trying to help me but nothing could help me. I could understand that now, nothing could help, nothing could stop the pain...Only Dan. I just needed one more moment with him, one more second to see his perfect face, to hear his soothing voice calm me down but I had to deny myself of that because it was impossible. I was only torturing myself to even think of that possibility. I was only torturing myself when I dreamt of him but that was the only thing I had in my life now that made me hope, made me happy. I just needed him to hold me one last time and tell me that everything would be alright, that I'd make it through this and I'd find happiness again.

I felt arms wrap around me and I closed my eyes tight, smiling slightly as my wish came true. Dan was here, he had me in his arms and I could finally find a release from this pain. I could stay in this moment forever, I could live with this relief. I got pulled up so I was standing and I opened my eyes slowly, turning to see Phil standing there looking hurt. My heart was crushed, knowing that it was too good to be true, I knew that already but I was wishing on a star at this point.

"Let's get you home" He whispered and I nodded to him. He glanced at Starbucks, sighing softly as he put his arm around me to guide me home. I couldn't leave the house again, I knew that if I did I would just lead myself to something that would remind me of Dan and I was at breaking point. I wouldn't be able to handle the memories, the pain that came along with them again. Every breath I breathed in hurt like razors in my lungs, my eyes were so swollen and sore that they were almost closed. I craved him like a drug, I needed him like he was my oxygen and I would see him again no matter the cost, no matter what I had to do.


	8. Chapter 8

"Nothing's working, I know there's not really a cure for grief but she's getting worse, I'm worried about her" Even though I was in a different room to Phil, I could still hear him clearly. He was on the phone to my doctor, trying to find any medication to help me but the only thing I could take were my sleeping pills. "She can't even leave the house without breaking down, she's not eating...Yeah, she's just beginning to get a decent nights sleep thanks to those tablets"

I wiped my eyes and shot up, walking out of my room to go into the living room where he stood, his back to me as he looked out of the window still on the phone. I didn't want the doctor to take me off those tablets, it was the only thing I had left to let me see Dan.

"Phil?" I whispered to him as he quickly turned round.

"Hey" He whispered away from the phone. "Yeah, she's here if you want to speak to her" He handed the phone to me and I took it, holding it up to my ear.

"Louise?" I heard the doctors voice and sighed.

"Hey Doc"

"I understand that you're having trouble coping with your grief" I frowned slightly, "But I'm glad to hear that the tablets I gave you are helping you sleep"

"They're a life saver"

"Good. I would like to see you again though, I could make an appointment for tomorrow if that's any good for you?"

"An appointment? What for?" I looked at Phil worried, not sure where this was going.

"To discuss some better options with you, I feel that some therapy sessions should help with your pain and get you back on your feet"

"Therapy?" Phil walked over to me to comfort me. "I don't need therapy...I need..." I knew that if I said Dan's name, he'd push it even more. "Okay"

"Right, tomorrow at 9.30 am"

"Thanks doc" I whispered before ending the call. "Am I that messed up?" I raised an eyebrow at Phil who shook his head, just to be nice.

"No, you're not messed up you're just struggling with this and that's understandable" He pulled me into a gentle hug. "I can go with you if you want?"

"I think I need to do this on my own"

"Are you sure?" He pulled away and gave me a look, a look that meant he wanted to say 'No you can't' but daren't hurt my feelings.

"I know after last time you're a bit worried but this is different, this is the doctors" I smiled at him with the effort I could put into it.

"I'll still walk with you there, you can see him on your own if you want"

"Deal" I nodded at him, "I'm going to get some sleep now though"

"Sleep? It's only 1 pm"

"I'm tired, blame the crying" I started to walk off before I felt his hand grab my arm gently.

"Louise, you're sleeping a lot lately. I'm glad you're getting some sleep but it's all you do now"

"Well I obviously need it"

"If you needed it you wouldn't need your tablets" He frowned slightly, trying to hide his frustration. "You need to eat, drink, do something but sleep"

"I'll eat later, I just need to sleep now"

"Fine, but you're not taking your tablets now" He let go of me and crossed his arms over his chest.

"What the hell?" I could feel anger rise up inside of me which made a change from the pit of misery I've been drowning in for so long. I didn't like it though, I wasn't in the right frame of mind to feel this sort of anger, especially towards Phil.

"You can only take your tablets at night Louise, it says so on the bottle"

"Who the hell reads those instructions anyway?"

"Smart people" He shrugged and that anger inside of me started to burn my skin.

"If you really wanted to help me, to look after me then you'd let me take my tablets to help me"

"But all you're doing is sleeping! What if one day you don't wake up? I don't want you to waste your life by sleeping it away. It's not what Dan would have wanted!" As soon as I heard his name I froze, my heart skipped a beat and that misery came flooding back. It was strange to think that only his name could bring me pain, bring me back to the realisation that he wasn't here and he wasn't coming back.

"Well he's not here" I simply said before walking off to my room and slamming the door shut. I let my back rest against the door as I could feel the tears fall down my face. All I did was cry, all I could feel was pain. I felt sick because of it, I felt like life wasn't worth living now. Maybe I was being over dramatic but he was my anchor. He kept me sane, he kept me happy and I never had to worry about anything when I was with him. He was with me every single day and then he was ripped away from me in an instance. I couldn't adjust so easily, surely Phil could understand that?

I walked to my bedside cabinet and opened it, searching through my draw for the bottle of pills. I should've been able to see them straight away since I only used them last night. I frantically searched, not feeling any sort of bottle, not even a tablet that may have spilled out. I stopped searching, knowing that Phil had taken the bottle. I frowned, watching as one of my tears dropped down into the cabinet, onto a photo. I slowly picked the photo up and stared at it. It was a picture of me and Dan, It was taken at the park where we had our first date. I remember Phil taking the photo, telling Dan not to look so uncomfortable and to smile. Dan just made silly faces, probably felt embarrassed until I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him...Then Phil took the photo and I kept it near me ever since. We were so happy then, all three of us.

I sat down on the bed, still holding the picture in my hands. This pain wasn't going to go away no matter what I did. I knew I was making it worse on myself by taking the pills and hoping to see him in my dreams. It was killing me...But so was the pain. I felt like I was missing something that was inside of me, I knew it was my heart because Dan stole it as soon as I met him. I felt so stupid because of how I felt, how much I missed him because it was just a boy. Then I felt guilty because he wasn't just a boy, he was a man and he was everything. It was like my mind was battling with itself and my heart, trying to convince me to move on and that everything would be okay but then the other part of my brain and my heart was telling me that it isn't okay, I'd never see his perfect face again, I'd never hear his voice again and I'd never be able to look into his deep brown eyes that took my breath away.

I heard a knock at the door and wiped my eyes quickly. I knew it was Phil, trying to apologise for hurting my feelings. I didn't want him to tread carefully with me though, I wanted him to be himself. This wasn't Phil, not the Phil I lived with and knew. This was a man who had be so careful with me as If I was glass and if he said anything bad, pushed me, I'd break. Maybe I would? Maybe I'm already broken? No because you can always fix what's broken, no matter how bad it is. Perhaps I'm just dead then, on the inside and soon to be out.

Phil opened the door slowly and walked in straight up to me, he sat down next to me looking at the photo in my hand sadly.

"What a day"

"You two were acting so goofy all over a photo" I smiled slightly at the thought. "We were never going to take a photo of him smiling"

"But this picture is a whole lot better" He slowly took it from my hands, examining it. "It shows you two in love, it's beautiful" He looked up at me smiling as he put the photo back in the draw.

"Do you ever think things will be the same?" I raised an eyebrow at him as he looked down to the ground.

"No" He shrugged, "We both knew that though. But we will adjust, we will get through this but we have to stick together, help each other"

"Phil, you're only helping me"

"Because you need my help first. I don't need help at the moment, I just wanna make sure you're okay, you're healthy and eventually...Happy"

"I know, that's why you're such a good friend" I took his hand in mine and gave it a little squeeze. "I think it's a good idea that you're coming with me. I'd like you to come into the actual office if the doctor will allow it though"

"Of course I will" He hugged me gently. "I'll be with you every step of the way"

"Thank you, Phil"

Without my tablets, I couldn't sleep and last night dragged on. I couldn't get Dan out of my mind, I just kept picturing him standing beside my bed, smiling down at me and it drove me insane. The more I though of him though, the more I knew I did need help. If the doctor could provide me therapy, help me get through this then I had to put the effort into it and go ahead. I slowly got up, chucked some new clothes on and walked out into the living room. I glanced up at the clock revealing that I only had 30 minutes to get to the doctors.

"Hey, did you sleep?" Phil appeared, clothed and ready to go.

"No" I shrugged, "Hopefully after today, it'll get easier though"

"Of course it will" He smiled, handing me my coat and shoes. "But we need to leave now" I nodded at him and put my shoes on, slipping my coat on afterwards. I followed him out of the flat, letting him lock up after me. We proceeded to the elevator, heading on down to the ground floor as we made our walk to the doctors. Phil held my hand though, just incase I broke down on the way. He wanted to support me and help me through this but I felt so bad that I couldn't do the same for him. Maybe I was his distraction from this, so if I got better, if I was able to manage this grief...Would he crumble?

"How are you feeling?" I asked. I never really showed concern about him which made me feel so selfish.

"Me? I'm alright considering" He shrugged it off. "And what about you?"

"I feel better knowing you're by my side" I whispered, moving closer to him as crowds of people began to come towards us.

"You know, that's really great to hear" He meant that, he said it with such relief and confidence that it even spread to me. "And just know I'll always be by your side, no matter what" I nudged him gently, smiling as we turned the corner towards the doctors. We walked straight in and up to the desk where Phil proceeded to tell them my name before they waved us off into the waiting area. We walked and sat down, looking around at all the sick people. There were some coughing, some sneezing and some...They just looked like death.

"Are we wasting the doctors time? I mean, I'm not physically sick" I whispered to him but he shook his head.

"The doctor wanted to see you for a reason, your health is priority, whether it's mental or physical" He whispered back, staring at the bulletin board. His eyes scanned over the letters and leaflets until they suddenly stopped and he pointed at one. I followed his finger to see a mental illness leaflet. "See, if your mental health wasn't important that leaflet wouldn't be in the doctors" He shrugged.

"Yeah, okay, you have a point" I rolled my eyes and looked towards the door to see my doctor standing there, smiling at me. He gestured me to come with him and I nudged Phil to catch his attention. "Time to go"

"That was quick" He huffed, standing up with me and walking towards the doctor.

"Ah Louise, it's good to see you"

"Hey doc, uh, Is it alright If Phil comes with us? He's just been helping me a lot and has stuck by me through this"

"Definitely. If he has been helping you then this will benefit him too" He smiled at the both of us and started walking to his office. "So how are you feeling today?"

"A little tired, I still feel sad though" Sad wasn't a strong enough word to use for my current emotional state.

"That's understandable. Did you sleep last night?"

"No"

"Are you taking the tablets?" He asked, opening his door and allowing us both in before walking in himself and closing it behind him. He gestured for us to both sit down and we did as he approached his desk.

"Actually, I hid them" Phil admitted to him making the doctor squint his eyes at Phil. "I'm worried about her, she just sleeps now"

"And what do you mean by that?" He asked, typing away on his computer.

"She doesn't do anything else. She takes her tablets as soon as she can and just sleeps her life away" The doctor looked at me, I nodded to confirm everything though.

"It's true" I shrugged, "I just feel a lot better when I'm sleeping"

"And is there any reason for that?" He stopped typing and let his hands rest on his desk, looking at me. "I mean, could you explain to me why you would rather sleep?"

"I'd rather not face the world, I'd rather just lay in my bed and hide from everything and everyone. Plus lately I've been having some really vivid dreams" I admitted.

"And do you mind me asking what happens in these dreams of yours?" He raised an eyebrow at me, putting the pressure on me. I wish Phil wasn't here right now, not to hear this.

"I see Dan" I whispered ever so quietly, looking down at my hands. "It feels so real"

"Why didn't you tell me" Phil whispered to me making the doctor go back to typing on his computer.

"Well this isn't my area of expertise but I think that you would benefit from seeing a therapist. Obviously, sleeping all the time isn't good for you or your health and it's not helping you process this grief you're feeling. I feel that if you had someone to talk to about your dreams and about your emotions, you'd be able to cope with them better and move on" I didn't want to move on, I didn't want to just forget him. He had such a huge impact on my life that I felt that If I moved on, I'd be betraying him.

"When can we see a therapist?"

"I can book you one in but it'll take a couple of months" He sighed, looking at the both of us. "If you want my honest opinion...I think you should go private. You'd see someone a lot quicker and I feel as if this is what Louise needs. The sooner the better really"

"Private?"

"It costs, it costs quite a lot actually but it will benefit you. I'm just worried that by the time you get to see a therapist on the NHS, it'll be too late. This is effecting your health now and if you have to wait a couple of months to see someone...I'm afraid you'll be in such a bad state"

"Then we'll go private" Phil nodded at me but I shook my head. "This'll help you"

"This is going to cost a lot!"

"That doesn't matter when your health is at risk" Phil frowned at me.

"I can give you some numbers, contacts who can put you through to some local therapists" The doctor opened his draw, searching around until he found a book. He got it out and began scribbling onto a piece of paper, handing it over to Phil. "But I would love to see you again Louise, see how you move forward with this"

"Thanks" I whispered standing up.

"But I suggest that you go back to your tablets for now...Just try not to take them too much and only at night"

"Okay" I looked at Phil who stood up slowly, putting the piece of paper into his pocket.

"Thank you" Phil shook the doctors hand who smiled at the both of us. "I'll get on it as soon as we're home" The doctor nodded at him and we both walked out of the room, heading for the exit.

"Do you know how bad I feel for making you do this?"

"You're not making me do anything Louise, this is what I want to do for you" He patted me on the back gently as we made our way out of the building. "I think we should go home, I'll call some people whilst you pick a movie"

"Sounds good" I whispered, looking down at my feet as we made our way back to the flat. I was such a nuisance, I was costing him money and his time...All because I couldn't handle the death of Dan Howell.


	9. Chapter 9

I spent the day with Phil, we did as he said and watched a few films. Phil thought he had to be smart with his film choices though, he tried to pick comedies, nothing with a sad love story as it might trigger my grief. I managed to eat something though which is a step in the right direction, Phil made us both a sandwich. Obviously, it wasn't exactly a meal but it was something.

I couldn't help glancing at the clock most of the time though, waiting for it to be a sensible time to go back to sleep. I knew Phil could see me do it, I knew he was worrying about me but he listened to the doctor, he knew I had to take the tablets even if he hated the idea of it. When It was time, I said my goodbyes and went into the bedroom. Phil left the tablet bottle on top of my bedside cabinet. When I walked over to it I noticed that there was a picture under it. I picked the bottle of pills up and stared at the photo of me and Dan kissing but there was also a little piece of paper on it.

'Do it, for him'

I knew what Phil meant, he meant that I had to survive for Dan. I had to try and get help, I had to try and conquer this depression that had consumed me no matter how hard it got. I picked the photo up, placed a kiss on it and placed it back down, swallowing a few tablets as I laid down on the bed, closing my eyes to finally get some sort of release, my dreams of Dan.

Dream four:

"Are you coming?" I looked at Dan confused, wondering why the hell he took me out into the woods.

"It's freezing, it's eerie and I think you're going to murder me out here" I crossed my arms over my chest as he started laughing at me.

"Well if you don't come with me then you'll freeze to death out here" He shrugged, "Your choice!"

"Fine!" I grudgingly pushed myself forwards, taking his hand as he started walking. Apparently this was a surprise date, he wouldn't tell me where we were going, he wouldn't tell me what it involved...Just said to dress warm and pack a bag. "How much further?"

"Five minutes, if we're not lost" He whispered the last part and I glared at him. "I'm kidding, I know where I'm going...I hope"

"You do worry me sometimes" I mumbled as we walked around a huge tree, revealing a small cabin just behind it. "Whoa"

"Surprise!" He grinned, walking faster to get to the door with me. "Close your eyes" He turned to me, waiting.

"Wait what?"

"Just do it" He chuckled, lifting my hands up. I sighed, placing them over my eyes as I heard him unlock the cabin door. I felt his arm grab mine gently as he guided me in. "Keep them closed!" I groaned as I heard his footsteps move away from me. I tried to listen out for him but heard some strange clicks, my imagination was going wild, wondering what the hell he was doing and what I was yet to see.

"Hurry up!" I fidgeted on the spot, still covering my eyes even though I really wanted to take a peak. I heard a slight crackle and smiled, he had lit a fire.

"Okay, open" He was in front of me now. I slowly removed my hands from my eyes and looked around at the cabin. He had decorated the cabin with paper hearts, a warm fire and candles. "I can't take full credit for this though, Phil helped me-" I pressed my lips against his quickly, cutting him off. It was truly beautiful, him, this cabin, the decorations...Everything was perfect. I pulled away and looked deeply into his eyes, I couldn't help smiling, I couldn't stop it.

"It's perfect" I whispered quickly moving past him as I got a better view of it all. It was like something you saw from a movie, so romantic but so real.

"I thought you'd like it" He chuckled, "You're a sucker for chick flicks"

"Shut up" I chuckled, walking to the fireplace and kneeling down in front of it. I placed my hands out, soaking up the warmth. "I don't think this moment could get any more perfect" I saw him approach me, he knelt down next to me taking my hands in his. "Okay, now I don't think it can get any more perfect" I smiled at him as he looked longingly into my eyes.

"I love you, Louise" The words made my heart jump, it felt as if my heart was trying to explode from my chest. I had never heard anyone say that to me before, not the way Dan said it. The feeling of joy, of pure bliss filled my body as I wanted this moment to last forever.

"I...I love you too" I could feel tears form in my eyes, not from pain, not from sadness...From feeling so much happiness. His hand cupped my cheek gently as he leaned forward to place a slow but long peck on my lips. "So, if I say that sentence again...You know about things not being able to get any more perfect...Are you going to prove me wrong again? Cause you know I don't like being proven wrong" We both laughed at that.

"I don't know" He smiled, sitting down as he pulled me into him. I let my head rest against his chest as I listen to his heart. It was beating fast, strong. "You know, I've never felt anything like this before. You've made my life so much better, especially when I thought I already had everything. You came into my life and I felt alive. I couldn't imagine my life without you" He pecked my forehead.

"And I can't picture mine without you" I whispered, wiping my eyes. "Argh, you're going to make me ugly cry"

"That's impossible!" He chuckled, holding me tighter.

"Dan?" I looked up to see him look down at me, I took in his eyes, his lips and his entire face as the beauty of it blew me away. "Thank you, for being you and for being in my life"

"And thank you" He smiled at me, "But if we keep this talk up...A camera's going to appear and we might be eligible for an Oscar soon" He joked and I playfully hit his chest.

"I wish we could film this moment and once we play it, we jump into the scene and get to relive it over and over again"

"Well, we have memories and we can always make new ones. This won't be the last time something like this happens you know, I'm not a one hit wonder" He laughed and I couldn't help but laugh with him. I loved Dan's serious side, he mostly used it on me which made me feel important, made me feel loved. Especially when he admitted that he loved me. "We're here for the weekend and I'm going to be telling you that I love you every second of it, to the point of you getting sick of it"

"Never" I grinned, closing my eyes as the warmth of the fire and him filled my heart.

I opened my eyes, laying extremely still as the warmth from the dream left my body. The coldness of the world, the coldness of the room smothered me. That moment was perfect, but then I had to wake up from it. Deep inside of me, I could just feel the emotions from that day, the way I felt when he told me that he loved me. My happiness peaked that day, I could have sworn it couldn't have got higher, I couldn't have been happier.

I placed my hand onto the pillow next to me, Dan's pillow which was frozen to the touch. I was torturing myself, killing myself so slowly and painfully but I couldn't be without him and the memories of him made me think he was still with me. If only he could make this moment perfect by coming back to me, then he would prove me wrong. If he came back to me now, I'd probably be a mess in the floor for the right reasons for once. I just wished that I was trapped in that dream of him, trapped there forever in that moment where nothing would go wrong.

I lifted my hand, scrunching it up into a fist as I slammed it down onto the pillow. I turned onto my belly and pushed my face into the pillow, screaming and screaming as the pain consumed me, took over me. I tried to push it out from my mouth, hoping the screams would relieve me of this pain but it only made me feel lower. My heart throbbed, my eyes stung and my body ached, telling me to give up but I couldn't, I couldn't do that to Phil, I couldn't do that to Dan. So I put my hands either side of me, pushing on them until my body lifted off the bed, till my face met with the cruel, cold air and the tears fell onto the pillow. My lips quivered, my eyes pained me as I tried to take deep, shaky breaths. My arms shook at my weakness to even hold myself up, I could feel myself slipping but I knew I had to get up. I kept pushing myself, pushing so I quickly sat up straight. I had to get up for him, I had to do this for Dan! I used all the strength in me to fight this horrible feeling, to fight the feeling of staying in bed and stood up straight. A small gasp came from my mouth as I couldn't believe what I had just accomplished. I had managed to push myself, push myself enough to get up and fight the pain. Sure, I still felt it, I still missed Dan and that killed me but I now knew that I could fight it, that I could push myself and move forward. I knew that I could speak to someone and that they could help me, they could help me manage all of this grief and day by day it would slowly become easier, I'd think of Dan and instead of crying, I'd smile at the memories we made.


End file.
